MoftBanner.jpg

JP Homer's "The Thesoddy"
Home
The Thesoddy
NEW: Erik Miteus
The Author
Planet Orn
JP Homer
Contact Us

Excerpt from JP Homer's "The Thesoddy"

The Thesoddy portrays an epic hero of mostly normal proportions who lives on the faraway Planet Orn.  This tale was apparently written as the history of the Gods’ punishment of Freeny in 959 YOTG (Year Of The Gods, approximately 11,000 BE, give or take 10,000 years), chronicling the strange adventures of a minor noble who goes on a dangerous, absurd, and relatively short journey in the attempt to save his country.  

Did this tale, written thousands of years before Earth’s recorded history, influence our own Homer’s Odyssey?  I’ll let you decide.  At any rate, J.P. Homer’s tales are shining examples of the Lesser Histories of Orn without which we would not have as many Lesser Histories of Orn.

J.D. Peterson

OrnMapBW.jpg

Arvanny.jpg

TABLE OF CONTENTS
 
     I.      Insulting the Gods
   II.      Thesod of Freeny                         
  III.      Not much help from Hairless                        
  IV.      The quiet and the storming                          
   V.      The sea beastie                        
  VI.      Land of the goo-berry eaters                      
 VII.      A Thing for the Goddess                     
VIII.      The shipwrecking                         
   IX.      The Fare maiden                         
     X.      Never eat a camel                        
    XI.      Nomad Hatter                      
   XII.      Defense of offense:  Camel slander                      
  XIII.      The saving dwarvies                      
  XIV.      The prophet sees prophecies                        
   XV.      Sailing the Golden Behind                     
  XVI.      To fray or not to fray                    
 XVII.      Alot for naught, but fair is Fare   


Part V.   The sea beastie 

Seven heads jawing and snapping sea-foam
suggested to Thesod he wasn't alone.
Horrendicous shrieks and brine-splashing green tails,
it had smelly, foul breath, and skin-scales like chain mail.
The arvanny stalked the fine Lady Of Brine,
winding its way, and slow-taking its time,
sizing its prey it its greeny-eyed way,
with much oofing and orting[1] in pleasure of play.

A feint to the left, and a feint to the straight,
a nip at the Lady, then beastie would wait.
For hours it played with the crew and her kree
like naughty narkitty[2] with rat up a tree. 
Arvanny did not fear its prey in the least.
This was its home . . . and this was its feast.
It relished the fear in the eyes of its meals . . .
but saw no such thing in the man at the wheel.   

 

The man stared back brandly[3], no yellowness there.
The courage that showed was exceedingly rare. 
Thesod walked toward the arvanny's hide
with right hand a-sword and his left by his side.
He fancied with blade, the tip whizzing so quick
that it blurred in one's sight and made one feel sick
as he slashed at the air . . . a right deadly sight,
a display of blade-prowess and great swordly might[4].
He looked at arvanny, expecting to see
the seeds of blade-fear in this beastie at sea.

Sea-beastie laughed, a stench-rotty exhale,
at the sight of this hero, all hardy and hale,
who thought he could fight with a beast of its frame.
Apparently Thesod did not know this game. 

Beastie dived deep to the innards of sea,
a-gathering speed 'til it turned on a T.
Returning speedquick to the kree up above,
it smatt Lady's hull with a hugendous shove.
The kree remained wholesome but flew from the waves,
scores high in the air, a beast-toy enslaved
to the will of a beastie which waited below
with tails poised for smatting another dread blow.

Thesod leaned over the rail of the kree
as she fell back to water to see what he'd see.
He called to arvanny, "What's that over there?"
and pointed to sunward and into the glare.
Arvanny, distracted, gazed into the sun
as Lady fell on it, all fifty Freen-tons[5].

Though beast wasn't hurt much, just lumped on the heads,
it was muchly angered and plainly saw red. 
Thesod held sword high and maintained his wits
as sea-beast approached in a seaspastic fit[6].
He sparred with beast heads and beast tails from all 'round
with slash to the fore and then back with a bound,
doing no damage but staying unharmed
as slimed teeth did snap at his face and sword-arm.
Sword glanced off scales just as hard as pig-tin,
blunting the blade and not letting it in.

Then brave Thesod tripped over ropes on the deck,
flying forefirst to the rail hard as heck,
and his sword flew out straight to a small, scaleless spot,
puncturing deep the large beast that he fought.

The arvanny bellowed its fighting-pain cry[7]
and raised up its heads with it's rearing[8] up high.
One head veered left, and the other six straight,
(straight at our Thesod, thus sealing his fate). 

Yet Zed the Dar Moft held a bottle in hand,
of Beastie Remover[9] (the Triple-strength Brand).
Three teensy drops on the scales of one head
were all that was needed to make it fall dead.
It sagged and it whuffled, expelling foul breath
on the dar mofts and Thesod, and sank to its death.
Thesod set sail for the far shores of Kroft
with dead sea-beastie odors a-swirling aloft. 

[1]      Making the sounds "oof" and "ort".
[2]      Amphibious feline that lives half of its time in the water, half on land, and loves to play with wet catnip.
[3]      Full of brandness.
[4]      Thesod was trained by one of the greatest fencing wizards on Orn, Inigo the Mostly Blind. 
[5]      A very heavy weight.
[6]      Perhaps caused by the blow to its heads.
[7]      AAAHIEOOOOARGH!
[8]      Hindquarters, in this case including seven butts.
[9]      A magic elixer created and mass-produced by Sagena, the Goddess of Occasionally Useful Things.